Think With Your Heart

My heart has been hurting for a couple of weeks now. I wasn't sure if it was palpitations or it was just beating fast or heartbreak. I've had very minor issues with my heart in the past, but was reassured that it's just that I have thin walls and so one can hear it all. But lately, it hurts. As if there is this hollowness or shell and it's just beating, sometimes noticeably. My Brezny horoscope this week advised me to think with my heart. I very much responded to this. So, today I made it a point to sit with my heart in focus. What came up were memories, painful memories, and I tried to stay with it and just observe. And then it dawned on me, very simple. My heart is in pain, and it's releasing this pain. Perhaps that is it. I believe strongly, and from experience that sometimes we hold emotions in our body, from painful experiences. And not until we are ready, do these emotions resurface.
I also have experienced, that when we detach from the pain, in other words instead of thinking "ouch this hurts," or "ouch I'm in pain," and writhe in our pain, if you observe, the pain doesn't quite hurt. You still recognize it as pain, but it doesn't hurt, this is sort of hard to explain, but it's sort of like "oh look at my leg here, it is in pain," you detach yourself from it. And then the pain is able to release fully, hopefully. All this takes time. Be patient and non-judgemental with yourself when in pain.

More Than 1 in 3 ...

More than one in three Native women will be raped in their lifetimes.
The rest of the article in...

amnestyusa.org/maze

"Where do you want to be in 10 years?"

I'm cleaning through some old college papers and I was glancing over this test I took for Theater Visual Arts, which was run by the dept's - I forget her title - she used to run the shop - manage building the sets, etc. So, I vaguely remember at the time of this test - which was mainly mathematical and logistical - the class was about power tools and building - I built a tool box out of wood - okay sorry for all the tangets - I remember thinking "that's kind of a touchy/feely personal question to be on this test". Diane was a bit butch, she had a mullet and a poster of Reba in her office - I liked her - I thought it cool that this little mid-western woman got down and dirty running the shop of a university. I think she's a preacher now - or something - okay okay - anyway - the last question on this test must have been something like, "Where do you want to be in 10 years - or where do you think you will be?"
Keep in mind - this was 10 years ago I wrote this in the summer of 1997 - so here I am 10 years later.
My answer:

"This of course depends on the moment, my answer to this question may change in the next hour. It is also of course an approximation - I hope to be many things - but (what) may actually happen may be completely different.
As far as career wise - I really don't know. Hopefully very much invovled in the arts - and not just theater. I hope in ten years I have broadened my creativity and opened my mind to many experiences. One thing I fear is being static - finding myself the same person. I hope to travel. I will not have much money to travel but I hope this doesn't stop me. I hope my love for learning grows and doesn't falter. I hope I am more open-minded and less judgemental. I hope my confidance grows - not to the point of egotism - but to the point of freedom within myself. I hope in ten years I have inspired many - and they have inspired me. I hope to have met and to be around loving, creative, individualistic and unique people. I hope I am stable emotionally more than financially.
I have painted a somewhat idealized dream - but I dont' think it is impossible. I can see myself there. I will probably be struggling - even still or just coming out of that - I know by then I would not have "found myself" - that may never really happen. I may be doing jobs other than what I really want to do - just to get by.
But as long as I stay true and honest to myself - I really think that is one of the most important things. And another thing is that I hope to have someone to share it with and to be apart of their's as well. At the age of 30 it may be either a little too soon - or just the right time to have a family. But that's a whole other story on it's own".

Wow. I was little surprised by how kind of right on I was - in sort of scary way. Why did I say I would be struggling?! Well, I also said I would be coming out of it - and that's kind-of true. I take this with a grain of salt - in one hand I say - we have much more say in our fate then we realize. Our will is a great power. It may not be immediate - but I have choice in my life. How I choose to live it, it's all up to me. And there is always hope. Always.
Diane's comment, "Wow! You're an explorer. (But don't you have a secret dream?)"
Uhhh... you know when I read that then - I was like -"what is she talking about?" and I read it now - and I still can't answer the question. To be honest I think I did state it in the last 3 sentences. That surprised me, I don't recall feeling that way at the time, and so it must have been a secret that I felt safe saying in this test. That part didn't quite fruit - that's on my next 10 year list - well closer to 5. Maybe today I will spend the day dreaming.
Thank you for listening - I realize this may have been very boring to read for you all!
And if you're curious - answer this question and most likely when you come across it in 5, 7, 10 years from now - it too might be oddly right on.

Geese

I live a couple blocks away from the Hudson River. This morning I walked down one of the openings by path of an open truck way. There were graffiti'ed partitions, some kind of metal construction frame thrown in the water, along with other trash like hard-drives, pulleys, plastic cups, rusted cans, condom wrappers, and some of it along with most of the rocks covered in green algae. I could smell the smell of fish and water as I came closer and when I get there an older man is feeding the pigeons and seagulls old bread from his plastic bags held in the basket of his bicycle. As I approach I notice in the water two pairs of geese. They seem to always be with their mate. If you see only one just look to your left or wait a second and the other appears. As they float and bath and preen, I sit and observe, so grateful for them. They have become a comfort to me - geese. A reminder of love for me, a specific love. Yesterday I felt strong in my conviction - today - I love him. Quietly and calmly. I've been here before, we've been here before, so many many times. And I still don't know. As I sit I keep asking myself "what I do now? what do I now"? I just wait. For what I don't know always, sometimes for him to get it, sometimes for me to get it, sometimes for us to be just as they geese. To just be. Whatever that may mean. The truth is I don't know how he really feels about me - or ever did. He was tangled in his past. In the beginning, for a couple of years, it was holding onto feelings from his previous. It became a mind-fuck and I almost lost my shit. I thought once he resolved that, he would be fully present, but then his own fears got in the way or maybe he didn't feel or want the same things as I. I loved him completely with all of me - and it wasn't enough. Well, who knows really, I had my stuff too. I broke it off repeatedly, and he was always there when I returned, for whatever reason, dear one. I just couldn't go through another stage of getting him to be here with me, completely. I don't know when or if I will get over that - that difference. It is such an intense hurt.

One half of a pair is busy preening and bathing himself by the rocks. she drifts patiently waiting impatiently drifting further into the river. he noticing this continues to preen bath drift preen bath drift begins to follow her. her glancing over continuing on patiently waiting impatiently drifting. he distracted preening bathing -- they split the pole. and as he finishes bathing preening he gracefully glides directly to her side and they continue on.
I get up and walk on.

Tomorrow.
After he came to pick up his things after staring out my window after crying on the sofa, I went for a walk.
I decided to walk over to the pier again. And again there were two pairs of geese. One spots me and swims towards me, in hope of food I guess. I sat on a plank. A cop car pulled up. He motioned me over. I came to his window -

"Do you know these two?" he nodded towards two guys fishing.
"No, I didn't even know they were there."
"You're not planning to jump are you?"
The lady cop chuckles, I say with a smile, "No".
"Because we've had to pluck some folks out before, so just be careful".
"OK. Thank you".
After they asked the two guys to stop fishing, they drive off. I sit and watch the rats chase each other along the rocks. One of the guys is staring at me, he says something "Sorry?", I say, "You don't speak Polish?" "No". I continue watching the geese rats geese, the rats get a little too close for comfort and I decide to leave.
I walk.
The guy on his bicycle follows and walks beside me. He has a thick polish accent, "I do not speak English too good", "that's OK, I don't speak Polish". He tries to talk to me, smoking his cigarette smelling of alcohol. We continue to walk in the middle of the street, him peddling his bicycle, cigarette in his mouth. "You come to here tomorrow"? He must ask me this 4 times. "Maybe", I say - that's a polite no. After complimenting me on my hair, "You are beautiful", "Thank you", "Very Beautiful", "Thank you thank you", I say good-bye.
It takes everything in me to not call.
I try not to think that that might be the last time I'll ever get to hold him. He let me, in a way he hasn't before, with his defenses defeated, like he unexpectedly just needed me too or couldn't not, and so he let me.

Bob Dylan

I've had a varied affair with Dylan. For years I carried an indifference of admiring him from afar. I knew some of the songs, thought them nice, heard about the affects he had - thought that was nice but didn't really get it, thought maybe I should get into this Dylan thing... maybe not. I flirted with him from the side for all my life.
Years ago. I'm trying to not discuss the conflict I came into with listening to Dylan because it concerns someone else - or rather two other people. To listen to Dylan meant falling into feelings of wanting to be like someone else, and not listening to him would be out of defiance. Dylan began to symbolize my insecurities mirrored in my last relationship.
Now. Listening to Dylan I am sometimes moved to tears, sometimes calm, sometimes indifferent, sometimes intense hurt, sometimes annoyed, sometimes I don't get it, and yet I listen. And the more I do the closer I come to my own - to me - and the more distant this idea of "them" starts to dissipate.
Because he is becoming my own.
As I celebrate his birthday, I celebrate a birth of my own.
Happy Birthday.

Did you know...

It is perfectly legal in 33 states to fire someone for being gay?
And in 42 states, it's legal to fire someone for being transgender.

On the upside, 2,500-plus companies, universities and governments ban job discrimination based on sexual orientation (fewer than 100, years ago). And about 300 of them bar discrimination based on gender identity.

Congress is voting on the hate crimes bill this spring. Let's hope it passes.

Source: HRC.org

Happy 60th Iggy

" ...and now I'm gonna by 22 oh my and a boohoo..."